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Coming to terms with our infertility hasn't been easy especially the first time we went through IVF. Somehow this time around we were so much more prepared, and in turn, it hasn't been nearly as hard. I'm not sure how but I haven't cried (excluding the day we got the news) or had moments of overwhelming sadness for our circumstances. I haven't had those moments that surprise you with the reality of the situation. We have been blessed with understanding and acceptance this time around.

I hate categorizing but we all fall into them. There are Mothers, Fathers, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles. I've slowly started to categorize ourselves in the "childless" category. There are perks to this. We can have nice things that won't be broken, take a last minute get  away without the worry of a babysitter (well, we still have fur babies), get ready to leave the house in a timely manner, watch a Bronco game in full without interruptions, and enjoy crumb-free cars. I'm not saying that I wouldn't give those things up for a child, or that my parent friends can't have these things, but I'm finding perks in our new category of life.  Life's a little simpler when it's just the two of us and I'm finding joy in that!

Welp...

I'm going to keep this short and sweet, mostly because I don't know what else to say. We got the call a few hours ago and the results were negative.

We thank you all for your support and love throughout our journey!

Bed Rest

I had a friend recently tell me that when she was on bed rest it meant taking it easy at home. She could still do some things around the house. When I'm on bed rest, it means just that. Lying in bed and resting, or aka chilling on the couch watching movies. Can I just say right now that I'm over it! Hehe Five days is a long time!

We were called last minute yesterday to come in and do the embryo transfer. We started with six eggs, which quickly declined to two. We elected to put both in and now we just wait! In vitro is a lot of injections and waiting. We have our pregnancy test scheduled for the 28th and then we will know if we were successful! In the mean time Dave's doing just about everything for me. He's quite amazing (just in case I haven't mentioned that before)!

Eggs

Yesterday was our egg retrieval and I was nervous about it. The last time I had this surgery, I was in a lot of pain for several days. In comparison, this time was a breeze! Yesterday I was sore and tired, but I didn't loose my lunch on the kitchen floor (reminisce of last years ordeal), or have breathing issues. Today has been even better. Still sore, but feeling quite good considering. I'd give credit to myself for being extra prepared this time, except I know that God was the real reason.


We had only six eggs this time around (last year was fourteen), but we are hopeful that they will all be quality eggs. I should be receiving a phone call from the clinic later today updating us on the progress. We know that having so few eggs can mean there are more fertility issues between Dave and I than originally expected, but that it's ultimately up to God. I've prayed a lot these last few weeks not for a perfect child, but rather understanding for Gods plan. We obviously want to start a family, but I'd rather ask for strength to get us through whatever the outcome is.


Thank you for all of your prayers and even a few people fasting for us. We know that they have helped us throughout the process and we are so grateful! Love you all!

You wonderful people...

We have had so many offers from family and friends to come visit us while we are on bed rest. I say "we" because my fantastic (and quite handsome) husband is taking the time off with me. He's great about doing the cooking (and he's a great cook by the way) and keeping up with the house cleaning while I'm resting on the couch.


I wanted to say thank you to the people who have offered meals, their company and support. We couldn't ask for better people in our lives! I also wanted to explain why I've declined most of these sweet offers.


Our first procedure makes small incisions in order to extract the eggs. Last time I had this procedure, my body didn't react very well. I was super swollen, which led to some extremely uncomfortable symptoms for a few days. I would hate to expose my wonderful friends to my cranky, bloated, grimy self. I'd like to keep these friendships and not scare them off by my whininess! :)


The second procedure is much less intense, but is the one where I'm required to stay in bed (or on my comfy couch) for five days. I'm not supposed to stand up for more than three minutes at a time, which unfortunately means few showers. :/ As I said before, I don't want to scare my friends off, I love them dearly!


You are all so wonderful to offer your time and cooking skills! We love you all very much!

Injections and Hormones

I started my twice a day hormone injections about two weeks ago, and we only have one more week left! I'm entirely ready to be done with these 1 1/2 inch needles in my rear! They go into the muscle and hurt. It will all be worth it one day though, right?!?!?!? LOL we can only hope.


One fun side effect, is that I'm high on hormones, and that comes with tearful eyes for no good reason. My sister lives in Iowa, and she posted some videos of my beautiful niece dancing in her recital for the family to see. I cried my eyes out, and the whole time I'm thinking, "why in the world am I so emotional?" I suppose you have to find humor in the process. :)


As for updates, we only have one. We have at least nine eggs growing so far, but they are a bit behind schedule so our first procedure is currently moved to July 12th (originally the 11th). As we learned last time, nothing stays on schedule and this date could change last minute.


Love you all and as always, thanks for the support!

Deja Vu

I feel like I just went through this a year ago... Oh wait... I did! haha




I have promised several people that I would keep in vitro updates on here, so here's the first one. We've started hormone injections. Our first procedure is July 11th and the final on is July 18th. Then we wait!




Last time, I was much more eager for the procedures, but this time, I can't wait for them to be over!


There's honestly not much to update y'all with, but I promise to keep you in the loop. Love you all and as always, thank you so much for all your support!!

Camping with great friends!!

For Memorial Day Weekend (and a celebration of my last day at 5Star Bank), we decided to plan a camping trip with our good friends Jordan and Ryan. Jordan was pretty brave because she was in her third trimester of pregnancy, and let's face it, it's hard enough squatting in the woods when you aren't pregnant. Dave and Ryan went up early Friday morning to find us a good spot, and after 3 hours of driving around, they found the best spot around!!! We had the best view!!!! It was absolutely gorgeous!

We enjoyed a campfire, s'mores, junk food, and some great company! We were only a couple miles from Rampart Reservoir, so we planned to do some fishing that mostly turned into sitting by the water for a few ours without any bites. It still was a great time though! We had LOTS of rain but it didn't take away from enjoying the weekend.

On to the next thing…

Our next journey has started. I’ve submitted my notice, goodbye dinners are being planned, I’ve signed up for school, I’ve started studying, we’ve figured out the finances, and then… we receive an email from our fertility clinic. We have the opportunity to try in vitro again, for about a third of the cost. What do we do?!?!?! We deliberated for weeks, I cried several times (haha imagine that), and we’ve talked about it until we couldn’t anymore. How could the timing be so terrible? How could we make this decision with me being unemployed at the end of the month and headed to school (which is quite a feat for me all on its own)? More importantly, how could we use the money we have saved to pay for this? How in the world do we do this? And then… how do we turn this down? It’s a third of the cost! We want to be parents so badly, so how do we make the decision to pass this up? What if the timing is actually just right? What if it works this time? What if I could put my pride aside and receive the financial help we were offered by my magnificent, giving, caring father? These are all things we thought about, and even today, we are still scared for our future. But we are also excited! We’ve officially decided to go ahead with in vitro! We are so grateful for the support from our family and even more grateful for the financial help we are receiving. Without it, we would have to pass this opportunity up. I pray that this time it pays off, and all our stress and hard work will be worth it. It’s official; we are starting this all over again, and for those of you who have requested it, I will be keeping updates on the progression! Thank you to all of you who have given us kind words of encouragement! We love you all!

Dreaming big

Sometimes life is so confusing and leads you in a u-turn you never saw coming. A year ago the majority of our energy went towards our dream of becoming parents. That dream is still there and at this point, I never see that going away, but we feel a huge push to take a big break from it all. The emotional, and metal strain I've felt this last year is one of growing and understanding. I've accepted that we are going to work a lot harder than most in order to have children. I'm finding peace with this realization.

I've had a tremendous opportunity to purse another dream. It came suddenly, and with hard decisions, but it feels right. With layoffs pending at work, and the uncertainty of it all, we've decided that I will be quitting my seven year long career in banking and go back to school! I'll be in an intense EMT course starting June 2. This also means our efforts of starting a family will be put on hold. My heart aches to stop trying right now but it also leaps for the opportunity to find a career I enjoy. A high salary has never been my biggest motivation for work. I found a passion for parts of the banking world up until a couple years ago. I'm now going to pursue what hopes to be a new passion. Health care has always interested me and I'm ecstatic for this new adventure! I'm also terrified! Lol we are putting a lot of faith into this dream and I can only hope that we will come out of the other side stronger and happier.

The Actual Pastor

I read a few blogs religiously. Mostly family and friends, but there is one in particular that I get excited about when there is a new post. www.stevewiene.com (The Actual Pastor) is one of my favorite blogs around. Most of his posts are his own writing, but he also compiles his favorite posts, from other writers, on his own page. Often I read my daily dose of “The Actual Pastor,” and think; he must write these just for me. Haha One of my favorite posts is here . It’s about infertility and brings such truth and raw emotion (and even a bit of humor) to the topic.  I can relate to every single word.

Someone close to my heart told me recently how proud they were of the strength I’ve show this past year. Now, I wouldn’t say that I’ve been strong, because I have had many moment of brokenness, but my mind instantly went to our fertility troubles. As the conversation continued, I realize this well-meaning person actually meant the car wreck and work issues I’ve gone through recently. I had to stifle a laugh. Of course those things are stressful, but I don’t feel like I’ve needed to be strong through them. They are just happenings of life. Infertility, on the other hand, has been a continuous struggle. Despite finding out over a year ago of our troubles, it feels just as devastating today as it did then. Many of our loved ones have shown empathy for our situation, and it’s great to know that we have such a wonderful support system, but true understanding comes from experiencing. I pray that one day no one will experience the pain of infertility, but until that day, I plan to move forward in any way I can towards our plans of becoming parents.  

Greener Pastures

The grass is greener on the other side of the hill; a term that has gotten everyone in trouble at least once in their life. I know it’s most definitely true for me. Not every change I’ve made has turnout to be the better decision, although, at this point in my life, the worst one would have to be my move to a different department with in this wonderful company I work for. I’d realized what I had before, almost immediately, but I didn’t have the option to take the decision back. I thought that this move from supervising the deposit side of things, to loan administration would be one of growth. And it was, but not in the ways I needed it to be. I’ve learned a lot and I feel that I’m a well-rounded employee in my industry. I also feel that I gave up customer interaction (which whom I had built a great rapport), and overall enjoyment for what I did eight hours a day, five days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. I gave this up for what feels like endless piles of paperwork, and filing that I have yet to become accustom too. I feel that I’ve given this new change a real chance. A year and a half I’ve spent my time here, and it’s been an emotional ride, but I try my best to keep a positive attitude. I’ve decided that since I can’t go back, and I don’t want to live in “I wish I hadn’t…” land, I have decided to start applying to, what I hope will be, bigger and better things. It’s been a hard decision because I sincerely love the company I work for, will miss my fantastic co-workers, and my benefits are outstanding in today’s standards. But, I’m not happy where I’m at, and when I look into the future, I dread staying in this position. I keep a running excel spreadsheet of countdowns (vacations, holidays, other simple exciting things) just to keep me going. On days that are particularly bad, I find myself looking at this spreadsheet more often than not. Right now, I have a running count until a long weekend off (originally our annual ski trip but our finances have changed so we will be missing it). In twenty-one days, I will put work behind me (at least for a few days) and spend the weekend with Dave doing anything our hearts desire. I live for my moments outside of work! I can’t wait for them, as I know many people do, but when my weekends, vacations, and holidays are over, I dread every day in between. I want to find what I had given up. I want to find enjoyment, drive and passion for what I do, and although I know one move won’t give me that right away, I have hope that it will give me more opportunity to find it. We all have to work hard for the people and things we have in our lives, but I want to like, or even love, the time I’m spending doing it!