On to the next thing…

Our next journey has started. I’ve submitted my notice, goodbye dinners are being planned, I’ve signed up for school, I’ve started studying, we’ve figured out the finances, and then… we receive an email from our fertility clinic. We have the opportunity to try in vitro again, for about a third of the cost. What do we do?!?!?! We deliberated for weeks, I cried several times (haha imagine that), and we’ve talked about it until we couldn’t anymore. How could the timing be so terrible? How could we make this decision with me being unemployed at the end of the month and headed to school (which is quite a feat for me all on its own)? More importantly, how could we use the money we have saved to pay for this? How in the world do we do this? And then… how do we turn this down? It’s a third of the cost! We want to be parents so badly, so how do we make the decision to pass this up? What if the timing is actually just right? What if it works this time? What if I could put my pride aside and receive the financial help we were offered by my magnificent, giving, caring father? These are all things we thought about, and even today, we are still scared for our future. But we are also excited! We’ve officially decided to go ahead with in vitro! We are so grateful for the support from our family and even more grateful for the financial help we are receiving. Without it, we would have to pass this opportunity up. I pray that this time it pays off, and all our stress and hard work will be worth it. It’s official; we are starting this all over again, and for those of you who have requested it, I will be keeping updates on the progression! Thank you to all of you who have given us kind words of encouragement! We love you all!

Dreaming big

Sometimes life is so confusing and leads you in a u-turn you never saw coming. A year ago the majority of our energy went towards our dream of becoming parents. That dream is still there and at this point, I never see that going away, but we feel a huge push to take a big break from it all. The emotional, and metal strain I've felt this last year is one of growing and understanding. I've accepted that we are going to work a lot harder than most in order to have children. I'm finding peace with this realization.

I've had a tremendous opportunity to purse another dream. It came suddenly, and with hard decisions, but it feels right. With layoffs pending at work, and the uncertainty of it all, we've decided that I will be quitting my seven year long career in banking and go back to school! I'll be in an intense EMT course starting June 2. This also means our efforts of starting a family will be put on hold. My heart aches to stop trying right now but it also leaps for the opportunity to find a career I enjoy. A high salary has never been my biggest motivation for work. I found a passion for parts of the banking world up until a couple years ago. I'm now going to pursue what hopes to be a new passion. Health care has always interested me and I'm ecstatic for this new adventure! I'm also terrified! Lol we are putting a lot of faith into this dream and I can only hope that we will come out of the other side stronger and happier.

The Actual Pastor

I read a few blogs religiously. Mostly family and friends, but there is one in particular that I get excited about when there is a new post. www.stevewiene.com (The Actual Pastor) is one of my favorite blogs around. Most of his posts are his own writing, but he also compiles his favorite posts, from other writers, on his own page. Often I read my daily dose of “The Actual Pastor,” and think; he must write these just for me. Haha One of my favorite posts is here . It’s about infertility and brings such truth and raw emotion (and even a bit of humor) to the topic.  I can relate to every single word.

Someone close to my heart told me recently how proud they were of the strength I’ve show this past year. Now, I wouldn’t say that I’ve been strong, because I have had many moment of brokenness, but my mind instantly went to our fertility troubles. As the conversation continued, I realize this well-meaning person actually meant the car wreck and work issues I’ve gone through recently. I had to stifle a laugh. Of course those things are stressful, but I don’t feel like I’ve needed to be strong through them. They are just happenings of life. Infertility, on the other hand, has been a continuous struggle. Despite finding out over a year ago of our troubles, it feels just as devastating today as it did then. Many of our loved ones have shown empathy for our situation, and it’s great to know that we have such a wonderful support system, but true understanding comes from experiencing. I pray that one day no one will experience the pain of infertility, but until that day, I plan to move forward in any way I can towards our plans of becoming parents.  

Greener Pastures

The grass is greener on the other side of the hill; a term that has gotten everyone in trouble at least once in their life. I know it’s most definitely true for me. Not every change I’ve made has turnout to be the better decision, although, at this point in my life, the worst one would have to be my move to a different department with in this wonderful company I work for. I’d realized what I had before, almost immediately, but I didn’t have the option to take the decision back. I thought that this move from supervising the deposit side of things, to loan administration would be one of growth. And it was, but not in the ways I needed it to be. I’ve learned a lot and I feel that I’m a well-rounded employee in my industry. I also feel that I gave up customer interaction (which whom I had built a great rapport), and overall enjoyment for what I did eight hours a day, five days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. I gave this up for what feels like endless piles of paperwork, and filing that I have yet to become accustom too. I feel that I’ve given this new change a real chance. A year and a half I’ve spent my time here, and it’s been an emotional ride, but I try my best to keep a positive attitude. I’ve decided that since I can’t go back, and I don’t want to live in “I wish I hadn’t…” land, I have decided to start applying to, what I hope will be, bigger and better things. It’s been a hard decision because I sincerely love the company I work for, will miss my fantastic co-workers, and my benefits are outstanding in today’s standards. But, I’m not happy where I’m at, and when I look into the future, I dread staying in this position. I keep a running excel spreadsheet of countdowns (vacations, holidays, other simple exciting things) just to keep me going. On days that are particularly bad, I find myself looking at this spreadsheet more often than not. Right now, I have a running count until a long weekend off (originally our annual ski trip but our finances have changed so we will be missing it). In twenty-one days, I will put work behind me (at least for a few days) and spend the weekend with Dave doing anything our hearts desire. I live for my moments outside of work! I can’t wait for them, as I know many people do, but when my weekends, vacations, and holidays are over, I dread every day in between. I want to find what I had given up. I want to find enjoyment, drive and passion for what I do, and although I know one move won’t give me that right away, I have hope that it will give me more opportunity to find it. We all have to work hard for the people and things we have in our lives, but I want to like, or even love, the time I’m spending doing it!

Date Night

There once was a time when Date Night consisted of some elaborately planned event that usually meant going over my budget three times before we left. I wanted to make sure we had enough to enjoy our expensive dinners, pricy movies (with popcorn of course) and big-ticketed sports events. Lately, our date nights entail quick trips to the grocery store, window shopping for our big dream items, movies at home, and drive around the neighborhood and mountains. I’ve enjoyed all of these dates, because, let’s face it, I married a stud, who happens to be the best person I’ve ever known, and my very best friend! Last night was a great date, not filled with lots of money spent, and we stayed within a two mile radius of home. After a trip to deliver some Christmas Presents to friends, and a bit of stock stuffer shopping, we landed in a local restaurant parking lot with dollar burgers and lots of conversation. We sat there for an hour and half just talking until my eyes were heavy and I was ready to crash. It was glorious! I thoroughly enjoyed the time spend with this man I’ve married. I’m eternally grateful for him! I constantly hear stored about abuse and other terrible things, and think, “Man, I got a good one!” The Lord has blessed me! I’m glad to have someone who has the integrity of a saint and takes pride in his honesty. He’s such a wonderful example to me, and as cliché as it is, he makes me a better person! I love him with all my heart and I’m so glad that we can eat cheap burgers, and have conversations in a random parking lot until I’m too tired to stay awake!

Friendship

How do you put into words how important friendship is? I have friends who live close and others who live far away, but each person have such a wonderful impact on my life. I’m so extremely grateful for the relationships I have with these people.

Yesterday, Dave and I receive a gift of kindness that I will never forget. We received an envelope full of cash and a card that explained what this was for. I don’t want to write word for word, because much of it is quite personal to me and the person who wrote it, but it basically said that several of our friends took donated items, sold them in a garage sale, and gave us the proceeds to put towards the financial burden of growing our family. I can’t seem to find the right words to show our gratitude and how much this meant in our hearts. We were both so overwhelmed with emotion. The fact that they would take time out of their busy days to put this together means more to us than they will ever know.

 

A few weeks ago, I also receive a hilarious card from my friend in Arizona. It really meant a lot to me that she would take the time to fill this card with loving words of encouragement.

 

I have been blessed with amazing friends and I thank God everyday for each and every one of them!

 

John 15: 12 – 17

This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have love you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth; but I called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and your fruit should remain; that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you. These things I command you, that ye love one another.  

Results

I promised everyone that I would update the blog with the results, so here you go.

 

The results were negative. On Monday morning, Mother Nature showed its ugly face. In a small way, it was a blessing because I was able to be upset in the privacy of our home, and not at work. I tried to keep everyone’s text, calls, and emails at bay until I received confirmation today, although I slipped to a few people at work. I’ll admit, I’m struggling being positive about the whole thing. In many ways, this feels like a miscarriage to me. It’s hard to put into words, but emotionally and spiritually, I feel drained, devastated, hurt, heartbroken, disappointed, etc. When we started this process, I didn’t just picture the pregnancy; I saw long nights at home getting to know our little one, family pictures, playing, crawling, getting into messes, crying, diapers, those little fingers and toes, etc. I pictured it all and it is heartbreaking to see that disappear out of reach. I’m not saying we are giving up, but for now, we just don’t have the financial means to do this again for quite some time. And since we didn’t have any embryos to freeze, like we had planned, it may take even longer than we expect.

 

I would like to tell all of you that we appreciated the love, prayers and support we’ve received from our wonderful family and friends. You’ve all been tremendous and we are so grateful to each and every one of you!