The Actual Pastor

I read a few blogs religiously. Mostly family and friends, but there is one in particular that I get excited about when there is a new post. www.stevewiene.com (The Actual Pastor) is one of my favorite blogs around. Most of his posts are his own writing, but he also compiles his favorite posts, from other writers, on his own page. Often I read my daily dose of “The Actual Pastor,” and think; he must write these just for me. Haha One of my favorite posts is here . It’s about infertility and brings such truth and raw emotion (and even a bit of humor) to the topic.  I can relate to every single word.

Someone close to my heart told me recently how proud they were of the strength I’ve show this past year. Now, I wouldn’t say that I’ve been strong, because I have had many moment of brokenness, but my mind instantly went to our fertility troubles. As the conversation continued, I realize this well-meaning person actually meant the car wreck and work issues I’ve gone through recently. I had to stifle a laugh. Of course those things are stressful, but I don’t feel like I’ve needed to be strong through them. They are just happenings of life. Infertility, on the other hand, has been a continuous struggle. Despite finding out over a year ago of our troubles, it feels just as devastating today as it did then. Many of our loved ones have shown empathy for our situation, and it’s great to know that we have such a wonderful support system, but true understanding comes from experiencing. I pray that one day no one will experience the pain of infertility, but until that day, I plan to move forward in any way I can towards our plans of becoming parents.  

Greener Pastures

The grass is greener on the other side of the hill; a term that has gotten everyone in trouble at least once in their life. I know it’s most definitely true for me. Not every change I’ve made has turnout to be the better decision, although, at this point in my life, the worst one would have to be my move to a different department with in this wonderful company I work for. I’d realized what I had before, almost immediately, but I didn’t have the option to take the decision back. I thought that this move from supervising the deposit side of things, to loan administration would be one of growth. And it was, but not in the ways I needed it to be. I’ve learned a lot and I feel that I’m a well-rounded employee in my industry. I also feel that I gave up customer interaction (which whom I had built a great rapport), and overall enjoyment for what I did eight hours a day, five days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. I gave this up for what feels like endless piles of paperwork, and filing that I have yet to become accustom too. I feel that I’ve given this new change a real chance. A year and a half I’ve spent my time here, and it’s been an emotional ride, but I try my best to keep a positive attitude. I’ve decided that since I can’t go back, and I don’t want to live in “I wish I hadn’t…” land, I have decided to start applying to, what I hope will be, bigger and better things. It’s been a hard decision because I sincerely love the company I work for, will miss my fantastic co-workers, and my benefits are outstanding in today’s standards. But, I’m not happy where I’m at, and when I look into the future, I dread staying in this position. I keep a running excel spreadsheet of countdowns (vacations, holidays, other simple exciting things) just to keep me going. On days that are particularly bad, I find myself looking at this spreadsheet more often than not. Right now, I have a running count until a long weekend off (originally our annual ski trip but our finances have changed so we will be missing it). In twenty-one days, I will put work behind me (at least for a few days) and spend the weekend with Dave doing anything our hearts desire. I live for my moments outside of work! I can’t wait for them, as I know many people do, but when my weekends, vacations, and holidays are over, I dread every day in between. I want to find what I had given up. I want to find enjoyment, drive and passion for what I do, and although I know one move won’t give me that right away, I have hope that it will give me more opportunity to find it. We all have to work hard for the people and things we have in our lives, but I want to like, or even love, the time I’m spending doing it!

Date Night

There once was a time when Date Night consisted of some elaborately planned event that usually meant going over my budget three times before we left. I wanted to make sure we had enough to enjoy our expensive dinners, pricy movies (with popcorn of course) and big-ticketed sports events. Lately, our date nights entail quick trips to the grocery store, window shopping for our big dream items, movies at home, and drive around the neighborhood and mountains. I’ve enjoyed all of these dates, because, let’s face it, I married a stud, who happens to be the best person I’ve ever known, and my very best friend! Last night was a great date, not filled with lots of money spent, and we stayed within a two mile radius of home. After a trip to deliver some Christmas Presents to friends, and a bit of stock stuffer shopping, we landed in a local restaurant parking lot with dollar burgers and lots of conversation. We sat there for an hour and half just talking until my eyes were heavy and I was ready to crash. It was glorious! I thoroughly enjoyed the time spend with this man I’ve married. I’m eternally grateful for him! I constantly hear stored about abuse and other terrible things, and think, “Man, I got a good one!” The Lord has blessed me! I’m glad to have someone who has the integrity of a saint and takes pride in his honesty. He’s such a wonderful example to me, and as cliché as it is, he makes me a better person! I love him with all my heart and I’m so glad that we can eat cheap burgers, and have conversations in a random parking lot until I’m too tired to stay awake!

Friendship

How do you put into words how important friendship is? I have friends who live close and others who live far away, but each person have such a wonderful impact on my life. I’m so extremely grateful for the relationships I have with these people.

Yesterday, Dave and I receive a gift of kindness that I will never forget. We received an envelope full of cash and a card that explained what this was for. I don’t want to write word for word, because much of it is quite personal to me and the person who wrote it, but it basically said that several of our friends took donated items, sold them in a garage sale, and gave us the proceeds to put towards the financial burden of growing our family. I can’t seem to find the right words to show our gratitude and how much this meant in our hearts. We were both so overwhelmed with emotion. The fact that they would take time out of their busy days to put this together means more to us than they will ever know.

 

A few weeks ago, I also receive a hilarious card from my friend in Arizona. It really meant a lot to me that she would take the time to fill this card with loving words of encouragement.

 

I have been blessed with amazing friends and I thank God everyday for each and every one of them!

 

John 15: 12 – 17

This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have love you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth; but I called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and your fruit should remain; that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you. These things I command you, that ye love one another.  

Results

I promised everyone that I would update the blog with the results, so here you go.

 

The results were negative. On Monday morning, Mother Nature showed its ugly face. In a small way, it was a blessing because I was able to be upset in the privacy of our home, and not at work. I tried to keep everyone’s text, calls, and emails at bay until I received confirmation today, although I slipped to a few people at work. I’ll admit, I’m struggling being positive about the whole thing. In many ways, this feels like a miscarriage to me. It’s hard to put into words, but emotionally and spiritually, I feel drained, devastated, hurt, heartbroken, disappointed, etc. When we started this process, I didn’t just picture the pregnancy; I saw long nights at home getting to know our little one, family pictures, playing, crawling, getting into messes, crying, diapers, those little fingers and toes, etc. I pictured it all and it is heartbreaking to see that disappear out of reach. I’m not saying we are giving up, but for now, we just don’t have the financial means to do this again for quite some time. And since we didn’t have any embryos to freeze, like we had planned, it may take even longer than we expect.

 

I would like to tell all of you that we appreciated the love, prayers and support we’ve received from our wonderful family and friends. You’ve all been tremendous and we are so grateful to each and every one of you!

Egg Retrieval & Transfer!!!!!!!!!

This morning seems like a good time to update y'all on the happenings of in vitro! :) I've really dropped the ball this week because a lot has happened. First, injections lasted two weeks, starting on April 29th and ended on May 9ths. The evening of May 9ths, we had one last shot, exactly 35 hours before they retrieved the eggs,  that "triggered" my eggs to be ready to be fertilized. This was a shot of HCG, which is a pretty well know hormone that women produce during pregnancy.

On May 11th, we walked in our doctors office at 7:15am and prepared for the first procedure! Boy does that anesthesia work wonders!!! I remember walking the few steps to the procedure room, in one of those wonderful hospital gowns where you bottom is poking out, and lying on the table. The last thing I recall is me laughing as I felt the drugs in my system. I wake up about 30 minutes later (according to Dave), get dressed and head home. The doctor told Dave that he had retrieved fourteen eggs, which is wonderful! At this point I am feeling wonderful, as the anesthesia is still in effect. By the time we get home, I am already starting to feel the pain. It wasn't too bad but it wore me out, so a 3 1/2 hour nap was in order. That evening was not a good one. The pain only got worse and I developed some frustrating symptoms. Going to the bathroom was extremely painful and when I lied on my back, I had problems breathing. Dave was seriously so wonderful to me in particular this night. He even slept on the couch with me all night, since I tried to sleep sitting up in order to breath. Neither one of us got a ton of sleep and he had to work the next day. I was still in quite a bit of pain on Sunday and even into Monday, but the issues were resolved and I was only feeling a bit swollen on Tuesday.

We were given updates on our eggs on Sunday, after they had fertilized each one. Three eggs were over mature, and three were under mature. We had eight left. By Monday, two of those eight had stopped growing, but we still had six embryos looking good. They base their progress on a grade scales, A through D. It's not unusual not to get an A grade embryo, as they have to perfect to get this rating. We had one grade B, two grade C's and three grate D's.

Tuesday I headed to work, ready to catch up before the Thursday transfer of our embryos. I received a call from our doctors office at 8:45am, which I thought was just another update on our embryos. To my surprise, they wanted to do the transfer in just a couple hours. Dr. Mag, wanted to put three embryos in (1 grade B and 2 grade C's), so give us the best chance possible. This is a bit aggressive for my age, but this could be our only shot, so we went for it. My wonderful boss was more than happy to let me head home to get things ready. Dave's wonderful co-workers covered his shift at the fire station, and by 11:30, we were off to the doctors office to do the transfer! My co-worker said it best..."Babies are unpredictable, and this whole process has been that way... get used to it!!!" It may have  been a surprise to do the transfer two days early, but we were both eager for it! Dave was allowed in the room for this procedure, so they forced him into a hazmat suit (haha, not quite, but it sure looked like one), and I wore my wonderful backless gown. The procedure itself is fairly simply. They require me to have a full bladder, so that they can position the catheter in the right place. Once the catheter is in, they string a smaller catheter and insert the embryos. We only see a quick spritz of fluid on the ultrasound, but it was still a wonderful moment. As soon as the catheters were out, the whole surgical team yelled, "Get pregnant Sarah!!!" It was really a cool moment for us both!

We were given a picture of our future baby(s)!

Now comes the five days of bed rest and I am already antsy! We scheduled the pregnancy test on the 28th and it can't come soon enough! lol I can't wait to start a family with my wonderful husband, who just so happens to be my best friend! What a wonderful blessing to go through such an amazing process with the person you love the most!

I want to extend a quick thank you to everyone who have supported us throughout this adventure and all of your prayers and good wishes! We feel extremely blessed to have each and every one of you in our lives!

Abby!!!

On April 12^th, my sister, Becky, had a beautiful little girl! This make kiddo number four for her family, and number seven nieces and nephews for us! They’ve named her Abigail Louise and she is so precious! I can’t wait to meet her! We are hoping to go out to Iowa in July for her baby blessing, but we shall see.  In the meantime, I have to get my new baby fix with these cute pictures that I’ve stolen from Becky’s blog!