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Coming to terms with our infertility hasn't been easy especially the first time we went through IVF. Somehow this time around we were so much more prepared, and in turn, it hasn't been nearly as hard. I'm not sure how but I haven't cried (excluding the day we got the news) or had moments of overwhelming sadness for our circumstances. I haven't had those moments that surprise you with the reality of the situation. We have been blessed with understanding and acceptance this time around.

I hate categorizing but we all fall into them. There are Mothers, Fathers, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles. I've slowly started to categorize ourselves in the "childless" category. There are perks to this. We can have nice things that won't be broken, take a last minute get  away without the worry of a babysitter (well, we still have fur babies), get ready to leave the house in a timely manner, watch a Bronco game in full without interruptions, and enjoy crumb-free cars. I'm not saying that I wouldn't give those things up for a child, or that my parent friends can't have these things, but I'm finding perks in our new category of life.  Life's a little simpler when it's just the two of us and I'm finding joy in that!

Welp...

I'm going to keep this short and sweet, mostly because I don't know what else to say. We got the call a few hours ago and the results were negative.

We thank you all for your support and love throughout our journey!

Bed Rest

I had a friend recently tell me that when she was on bed rest it meant taking it easy at home. She could still do some things around the house. When I'm on bed rest, it means just that. Lying in bed and resting, or aka chilling on the couch watching movies. Can I just say right now that I'm over it! Hehe Five days is a long time!

We were called last minute yesterday to come in and do the embryo transfer. We started with six eggs, which quickly declined to two. We elected to put both in and now we just wait! In vitro is a lot of injections and waiting. We have our pregnancy test scheduled for the 28th and then we will know if we were successful! In the mean time Dave's doing just about everything for me. He's quite amazing (just in case I haven't mentioned that before)!

Eggs

Yesterday was our egg retrieval and I was nervous about it. The last time I had this surgery, I was in a lot of pain for several days. In comparison, this time was a breeze! Yesterday I was sore and tired, but I didn't loose my lunch on the kitchen floor (reminisce of last years ordeal), or have breathing issues. Today has been even better. Still sore, but feeling quite good considering. I'd give credit to myself for being extra prepared this time, except I know that God was the real reason.


We had only six eggs this time around (last year was fourteen), but we are hopeful that they will all be quality eggs. I should be receiving a phone call from the clinic later today updating us on the progress. We know that having so few eggs can mean there are more fertility issues between Dave and I than originally expected, but that it's ultimately up to God. I've prayed a lot these last few weeks not for a perfect child, but rather understanding for Gods plan. We obviously want to start a family, but I'd rather ask for strength to get us through whatever the outcome is.


Thank you for all of your prayers and even a few people fasting for us. We know that they have helped us throughout the process and we are so grateful! Love you all!

You wonderful people...

We have had so many offers from family and friends to come visit us while we are on bed rest. I say "we" because my fantastic (and quite handsome) husband is taking the time off with me. He's great about doing the cooking (and he's a great cook by the way) and keeping up with the house cleaning while I'm resting on the couch.


I wanted to say thank you to the people who have offered meals, their company and support. We couldn't ask for better people in our lives! I also wanted to explain why I've declined most of these sweet offers.


Our first procedure makes small incisions in order to extract the eggs. Last time I had this procedure, my body didn't react very well. I was super swollen, which led to some extremely uncomfortable symptoms for a few days. I would hate to expose my wonderful friends to my cranky, bloated, grimy self. I'd like to keep these friendships and not scare them off by my whininess! :)


The second procedure is much less intense, but is the one where I'm required to stay in bed (or on my comfy couch) for five days. I'm not supposed to stand up for more than three minutes at a time, which unfortunately means few showers. :/ As I said before, I don't want to scare my friends off, I love them dearly!


You are all so wonderful to offer your time and cooking skills! We love you all very much!

Injections and Hormones

I started my twice a day hormone injections about two weeks ago, and we only have one more week left! I'm entirely ready to be done with these 1 1/2 inch needles in my rear! They go into the muscle and hurt. It will all be worth it one day though, right?!?!?!? LOL we can only hope.


One fun side effect, is that I'm high on hormones, and that comes with tearful eyes for no good reason. My sister lives in Iowa, and she posted some videos of my beautiful niece dancing in her recital for the family to see. I cried my eyes out, and the whole time I'm thinking, "why in the world am I so emotional?" I suppose you have to find humor in the process. :)


As for updates, we only have one. We have at least nine eggs growing so far, but they are a bit behind schedule so our first procedure is currently moved to July 12th (originally the 11th). As we learned last time, nothing stays on schedule and this date could change last minute.


Love you all and as always, thanks for the support!

Deja Vu

I feel like I just went through this a year ago... Oh wait... I did! haha




I have promised several people that I would keep in vitro updates on here, so here's the first one. We've started hormone injections. Our first procedure is July 11th and the final on is July 18th. Then we wait!




Last time, I was much more eager for the procedures, but this time, I can't wait for them to be over!


There's honestly not much to update y'all with, but I promise to keep you in the loop. Love you all and as always, thank you so much for all your support!!

Camping with great friends!!

For Memorial Day Weekend (and a celebration of my last day at 5Star Bank), we decided to plan a camping trip with our good friends Jordan and Ryan. Jordan was pretty brave because she was in her third trimester of pregnancy, and let's face it, it's hard enough squatting in the woods when you aren't pregnant. Dave and Ryan went up early Friday morning to find us a good spot, and after 3 hours of driving around, they found the best spot around!!! We had the best view!!!! It was absolutely gorgeous!

We enjoyed a campfire, s'mores, junk food, and some great company! We were only a couple miles from Rampart Reservoir, so we planned to do some fishing that mostly turned into sitting by the water for a few ours without any bites. It still was a great time though! We had LOTS of rain but it didn't take away from enjoying the weekend.

On to the next thing…

Our next journey has started. I’ve submitted my notice, goodbye dinners are being planned, I’ve signed up for school, I’ve started studying, we’ve figured out the finances, and then… we receive an email from our fertility clinic. We have the opportunity to try in vitro again, for about a third of the cost. What do we do?!?!?! We deliberated for weeks, I cried several times (haha imagine that), and we’ve talked about it until we couldn’t anymore. How could the timing be so terrible? How could we make this decision with me being unemployed at the end of the month and headed to school (which is quite a feat for me all on its own)? More importantly, how could we use the money we have saved to pay for this? How in the world do we do this? And then… how do we turn this down? It’s a third of the cost! We want to be parents so badly, so how do we make the decision to pass this up? What if the timing is actually just right? What if it works this time? What if I could put my pride aside and receive the financial help we were offered by my magnificent, giving, caring father? These are all things we thought about, and even today, we are still scared for our future. But we are also excited! We’ve officially decided to go ahead with in vitro! We are so grateful for the support from our family and even more grateful for the financial help we are receiving. Without it, we would have to pass this opportunity up. I pray that this time it pays off, and all our stress and hard work will be worth it. It’s official; we are starting this all over again, and for those of you who have requested it, I will be keeping updates on the progression! Thank you to all of you who have given us kind words of encouragement! We love you all!

Dreaming big

Sometimes life is so confusing and leads you in a u-turn you never saw coming. A year ago the majority of our energy went towards our dream of becoming parents. That dream is still there and at this point, I never see that going away, but we feel a huge push to take a big break from it all. The emotional, and metal strain I've felt this last year is one of growing and understanding. I've accepted that we are going to work a lot harder than most in order to have children. I'm finding peace with this realization.

I've had a tremendous opportunity to purse another dream. It came suddenly, and with hard decisions, but it feels right. With layoffs pending at work, and the uncertainty of it all, we've decided that I will be quitting my seven year long career in banking and go back to school! I'll be in an intense EMT course starting June 2. This also means our efforts of starting a family will be put on hold. My heart aches to stop trying right now but it also leaps for the opportunity to find a career I enjoy. A high salary has never been my biggest motivation for work. I found a passion for parts of the banking world up until a couple years ago. I'm now going to pursue what hopes to be a new passion. Health care has always interested me and I'm ecstatic for this new adventure! I'm also terrified! Lol we are putting a lot of faith into this dream and I can only hope that we will come out of the other side stronger and happier.

The Actual Pastor

I read a few blogs religiously. Mostly family and friends, but there is one in particular that I get excited about when there is a new post. www.stevewiene.com (The Actual Pastor) is one of my favorite blogs around. Most of his posts are his own writing, but he also compiles his favorite posts, from other writers, on his own page. Often I read my daily dose of “The Actual Pastor,” and think; he must write these just for me. Haha One of my favorite posts is here . It’s about infertility and brings such truth and raw emotion (and even a bit of humor) to the topic.  I can relate to every single word.

Someone close to my heart told me recently how proud they were of the strength I’ve show this past year. Now, I wouldn’t say that I’ve been strong, because I have had many moment of brokenness, but my mind instantly went to our fertility troubles. As the conversation continued, I realize this well-meaning person actually meant the car wreck and work issues I’ve gone through recently. I had to stifle a laugh. Of course those things are stressful, but I don’t feel like I’ve needed to be strong through them. They are just happenings of life. Infertility, on the other hand, has been a continuous struggle. Despite finding out over a year ago of our troubles, it feels just as devastating today as it did then. Many of our loved ones have shown empathy for our situation, and it’s great to know that we have such a wonderful support system, but true understanding comes from experiencing. I pray that one day no one will experience the pain of infertility, but until that day, I plan to move forward in any way I can towards our plans of becoming parents.  

Greener Pastures

The grass is greener on the other side of the hill; a term that has gotten everyone in trouble at least once in their life. I know it’s most definitely true for me. Not every change I’ve made has turnout to be the better decision, although, at this point in my life, the worst one would have to be my move to a different department with in this wonderful company I work for. I’d realized what I had before, almost immediately, but I didn’t have the option to take the decision back. I thought that this move from supervising the deposit side of things, to loan administration would be one of growth. And it was, but not in the ways I needed it to be. I’ve learned a lot and I feel that I’m a well-rounded employee in my industry. I also feel that I gave up customer interaction (which whom I had built a great rapport), and overall enjoyment for what I did eight hours a day, five days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. I gave this up for what feels like endless piles of paperwork, and filing that I have yet to become accustom too. I feel that I’ve given this new change a real chance. A year and a half I’ve spent my time here, and it’s been an emotional ride, but I try my best to keep a positive attitude. I’ve decided that since I can’t go back, and I don’t want to live in “I wish I hadn’t…” land, I have decided to start applying to, what I hope will be, bigger and better things. It’s been a hard decision because I sincerely love the company I work for, will miss my fantastic co-workers, and my benefits are outstanding in today’s standards. But, I’m not happy where I’m at, and when I look into the future, I dread staying in this position. I keep a running excel spreadsheet of countdowns (vacations, holidays, other simple exciting things) just to keep me going. On days that are particularly bad, I find myself looking at this spreadsheet more often than not. Right now, I have a running count until a long weekend off (originally our annual ski trip but our finances have changed so we will be missing it). In twenty-one days, I will put work behind me (at least for a few days) and spend the weekend with Dave doing anything our hearts desire. I live for my moments outside of work! I can’t wait for them, as I know many people do, but when my weekends, vacations, and holidays are over, I dread every day in between. I want to find what I had given up. I want to find enjoyment, drive and passion for what I do, and although I know one move won’t give me that right away, I have hope that it will give me more opportunity to find it. We all have to work hard for the people and things we have in our lives, but I want to like, or even love, the time I’m spending doing it!

Date Night

There once was a time when Date Night consisted of some elaborately planned event that usually meant going over my budget three times before we left. I wanted to make sure we had enough to enjoy our expensive dinners, pricy movies (with popcorn of course) and big-ticketed sports events. Lately, our date nights entail quick trips to the grocery store, window shopping for our big dream items, movies at home, and drive around the neighborhood and mountains. I’ve enjoyed all of these dates, because, let’s face it, I married a stud, who happens to be the best person I’ve ever known, and my very best friend! Last night was a great date, not filled with lots of money spent, and we stayed within a two mile radius of home. After a trip to deliver some Christmas Presents to friends, and a bit of stock stuffer shopping, we landed in a local restaurant parking lot with dollar burgers and lots of conversation. We sat there for an hour and half just talking until my eyes were heavy and I was ready to crash. It was glorious! I thoroughly enjoyed the time spend with this man I’ve married. I’m eternally grateful for him! I constantly hear stored about abuse and other terrible things, and think, “Man, I got a good one!” The Lord has blessed me! I’m glad to have someone who has the integrity of a saint and takes pride in his honesty. He’s such a wonderful example to me, and as cliché as it is, he makes me a better person! I love him with all my heart and I’m so glad that we can eat cheap burgers, and have conversations in a random parking lot until I’m too tired to stay awake!

Friendship

How do you put into words how important friendship is? I have friends who live close and others who live far away, but each person have such a wonderful impact on my life. I’m so extremely grateful for the relationships I have with these people.

Yesterday, Dave and I receive a gift of kindness that I will never forget. We received an envelope full of cash and a card that explained what this was for. I don’t want to write word for word, because much of it is quite personal to me and the person who wrote it, but it basically said that several of our friends took donated items, sold them in a garage sale, and gave us the proceeds to put towards the financial burden of growing our family. I can’t seem to find the right words to show our gratitude and how much this meant in our hearts. We were both so overwhelmed with emotion. The fact that they would take time out of their busy days to put this together means more to us than they will ever know.

 

A few weeks ago, I also receive a hilarious card from my friend in Arizona. It really meant a lot to me that she would take the time to fill this card with loving words of encouragement.

 

I have been blessed with amazing friends and I thank God everyday for each and every one of them!

 

John 15: 12 – 17

This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have love you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth; but I called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and your fruit should remain; that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you. These things I command you, that ye love one another.  

Results

I promised everyone that I would update the blog with the results, so here you go.

 

The results were negative. On Monday morning, Mother Nature showed its ugly face. In a small way, it was a blessing because I was able to be upset in the privacy of our home, and not at work. I tried to keep everyone’s text, calls, and emails at bay until I received confirmation today, although I slipped to a few people at work. I’ll admit, I’m struggling being positive about the whole thing. In many ways, this feels like a miscarriage to me. It’s hard to put into words, but emotionally and spiritually, I feel drained, devastated, hurt, heartbroken, disappointed, etc. When we started this process, I didn’t just picture the pregnancy; I saw long nights at home getting to know our little one, family pictures, playing, crawling, getting into messes, crying, diapers, those little fingers and toes, etc. I pictured it all and it is heartbreaking to see that disappear out of reach. I’m not saying we are giving up, but for now, we just don’t have the financial means to do this again for quite some time. And since we didn’t have any embryos to freeze, like we had planned, it may take even longer than we expect.

 

I would like to tell all of you that we appreciated the love, prayers and support we’ve received from our wonderful family and friends. You’ve all been tremendous and we are so grateful to each and every one of you!

Egg Retrieval & Transfer!!!!!!!!!

This morning seems like a good time to update y'all on the happenings of in vitro! :) I've really dropped the ball this week because a lot has happened. First, injections lasted two weeks, starting on April 29th and ended on May 9ths. The evening of May 9ths, we had one last shot, exactly 35 hours before they retrieved the eggs,  that "triggered" my eggs to be ready to be fertilized. This was a shot of HCG, which is a pretty well know hormone that women produce during pregnancy.

On May 11th, we walked in our doctors office at 7:15am and prepared for the first procedure! Boy does that anesthesia work wonders!!! I remember walking the few steps to the procedure room, in one of those wonderful hospital gowns where you bottom is poking out, and lying on the table. The last thing I recall is me laughing as I felt the drugs in my system. I wake up about 30 minutes later (according to Dave), get dressed and head home. The doctor told Dave that he had retrieved fourteen eggs, which is wonderful! At this point I am feeling wonderful, as the anesthesia is still in effect. By the time we get home, I am already starting to feel the pain. It wasn't too bad but it wore me out, so a 3 1/2 hour nap was in order. That evening was not a good one. The pain only got worse and I developed some frustrating symptoms. Going to the bathroom was extremely painful and when I lied on my back, I had problems breathing. Dave was seriously so wonderful to me in particular this night. He even slept on the couch with me all night, since I tried to sleep sitting up in order to breath. Neither one of us got a ton of sleep and he had to work the next day. I was still in quite a bit of pain on Sunday and even into Monday, but the issues were resolved and I was only feeling a bit swollen on Tuesday.

We were given updates on our eggs on Sunday, after they had fertilized each one. Three eggs were over mature, and three were under mature. We had eight left. By Monday, two of those eight had stopped growing, but we still had six embryos looking good. They base their progress on a grade scales, A through D. It's not unusual not to get an A grade embryo, as they have to perfect to get this rating. We had one grade B, two grade C's and three grate D's.

Tuesday I headed to work, ready to catch up before the Thursday transfer of our embryos. I received a call from our doctors office at 8:45am, which I thought was just another update on our embryos. To my surprise, they wanted to do the transfer in just a couple hours. Dr. Mag, wanted to put three embryos in (1 grade B and 2 grade C's), so give us the best chance possible. This is a bit aggressive for my age, but this could be our only shot, so we went for it. My wonderful boss was more than happy to let me head home to get things ready. Dave's wonderful co-workers covered his shift at the fire station, and by 11:30, we were off to the doctors office to do the transfer! My co-worker said it best..."Babies are unpredictable, and this whole process has been that way... get used to it!!!" It may have  been a surprise to do the transfer two days early, but we were both eager for it! Dave was allowed in the room for this procedure, so they forced him into a hazmat suit (haha, not quite, but it sure looked like one), and I wore my wonderful backless gown. The procedure itself is fairly simply. They require me to have a full bladder, so that they can position the catheter in the right place. Once the catheter is in, they string a smaller catheter and insert the embryos. We only see a quick spritz of fluid on the ultrasound, but it was still a wonderful moment. As soon as the catheters were out, the whole surgical team yelled, "Get pregnant Sarah!!!" It was really a cool moment for us both!

We were given a picture of our future baby(s)!

Now comes the five days of bed rest and I am already antsy! We scheduled the pregnancy test on the 28th and it can't come soon enough! lol I can't wait to start a family with my wonderful husband, who just so happens to be my best friend! What a wonderful blessing to go through such an amazing process with the person you love the most!

I want to extend a quick thank you to everyone who have supported us throughout this adventure and all of your prayers and good wishes! We feel extremely blessed to have each and every one of you in our lives!

Abby!!!

On April 12^th, my sister, Becky, had a beautiful little girl! This make kiddo number four for her family, and number seven nieces and nephews for us! They’ve named her Abigail Louise and she is so precious! I can’t wait to meet her! We are hoping to go out to Iowa in July for her baby blessing, but we shall see.  In the meantime, I have to get my new baby fix with these cute pictures that I’ve stolen from Becky’s blog!

And it starts....

Just another quick update.... mostly for my family and friends who have been following our journey! Plus this keep me from repeating myself all the time! :)

Due to a small hiccup on Friday, our schedule was delayed a bit. After a long weekend, we found out our hiccup has gone away, and we have now officially started in vitro!!!!!! Tonight was my first injection and there are many more to come.

Since injections started a couple days late, our procedure dates move a bit. The egg retrieval is now on May 11th and egg transfer in on May 16th, which happens to be Dave birthday! I can't think of a better birthday present! Then we wait a couple weeks to find out if we are going to be parents in January (our potential due date) or not...ek!

Schedule, Meds and Parenthood...

We officially have our in vitro schedule!!!!

Starting on April 25th, we will officially be on the road to becoming parents. We've ordered $2600 worth of medications/injections (that's right, insurance doesn't cover fertility treatments, which include the medications) this week, which I will start on the 25th. Those injections continue for twelve days and let me tell you, I am not excited about poking myself a few times a day. Luckily my wonderful EMT, firefighter, hubby is oh so willing to help me out with that part! Then, exactly 34 hours before they retrieve my eggs, I give myself a final cocktail of hormones! On May 9th, we head to the doctors office, where I'm given some wonderful drugs to knock me out while they take as many eggs as possible.

This lovely picture represents how much we want this! It also shows the huge difference between my participation and Dave's participation in the whole process! lol 

 

 

How easy does he have it folks?!?!

 

After retrieving the eggs, the lab will perform magic (at least in my eyes) and place one single sperm in each egg, wait five days for the eggs to develop into embryos and transfer back into me!

 

 



Then Parenthood begins!

That is, Parenthood the show! :)

 

After my transfer day, I will be on bed rest for three additional days. I am supposed to be reclined the whole time, minus a few bathroom breaks. Our doctor doesn't want me upright for more than a few minutes at a time. It just so happens that Parenthood is one of my favorite shows, so I found the seasons, used, for extremely cheap and plan to watch them during this time. I also have a list of books to download onto my kindle, just in case I get sick of TV, which is extremely likely!

 

We then wait twelve days to find out if we are pregnant or not. I believe this will be the hardest part for me. I have never been one for surprises, and I'm not very patient when it comes to them.

 

I feel so extremely blessed to have a wonderfully supportive husband, who wants to grow our family no matter the cost! He may not have to go through the physical parts of in vitro, but he is by my side every step of the way, and I know he will be the best father to our children I could ever ask for! I am excited to start this journey with my best friend, hand in hand!

Is it too soon to jump for joy?

Just a quick update-

I've been doing research and found out that polyps can just disappear on their own. Well, guess what!!! It's gone! I'm not sure why it went away so quickly but we are ecstatic about it! This means we are able to continue our normal in vitro schedule! I spoke with the doctor yesterday and we are set up for our final consultation on Wednesday, where we will get our in vitro schedule, and determine the quantity of hormone meds we need. The schedule may not be exact, but it's going to be very close. At least we will be able to plan accordingly with our work schedules.